Your Emperor's Christmas Message

The Text in Full

Ave Britons!

It is I, your Emperor, Caesar Nefarius Vexus, addressing my loyal minions of the province of Britannia from my luxury fallout shelter, whose location must be withheld for security reasons.

As you know, I recently chose for you a new Governor to replace the slightly mad Cameronius Conservitus after he so manifestly failed to suppress the revolt of the tribe of the Brexix under their leader Faragus, which nearly led to the calamity of secession from the Europa branch of the Empire of the entire province of Britannia.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to the Cinema . . .

The World has been afflicted by a new biological anomaly as the superhero pandemic spreads

Thus far the pandemic has spawned a variety of mutations and we have become accustomed here in Sodom City to seeing heterosexual animal-related superheroes like Wolverine, Spiderman, Batman, Ant Man, Catwoman and Robin climbing up the sides of buildings, breaking the speed limit, damaging real estate and beating people up in imaginitive ways.

President-elect to endorse the Turnip

One of the most closely guarded secrets of the American presidential elections is that Donald Trump is secretly planning to endorse the turnip as soon as he takes over as Leader of the Free World (Mars).

This follows recent startling scientific discoveries that the turnip, long regarded by food lovers everywhere as the world's most boring vegetable, is in fact the most nutritious, which when you think about it is not exactly the kind of news an increasing health-and-diet-conscious nation wants to hear.

Alcohol: the Myth Debunked

Daily Scare science correspondent, exclusive report

Experts have been alleging for many years that alcohol has many uses, apart from the obvious one, and among these is that it helps you get stains out of clothes.

Truth or myth? I decided to put this to the test in a carefully controlled experiment.

NewTory Manifesto to Include Plans for Armageddon It Completely Forgot to Mention in the Last One

Following last week's discovery that political parties have been accidentally forgetting to mention in their manifestos certain key points in their plans for the country, the Tory party has issued a revised manifesto.

It will present the new manifesto to the people at the soon-to-be-held general election that will result from the discovery that the recent EU Referendum was actually a PR exercise and not, as many people thought, an exercise in democracy.

A slight administrative error had caused a succession of governments to omit from their manifestos certain points that, it surprisingly turned out, the country's voters would quite like to know about.

Vladimir Putin to Flood West with Marmite Substitute!

Tesco's recent refusal to stock Marmite has ignited a firestorm of fury that threatens to tear civilisation apart.

It started when Swiss company Unilever owned up to being Marmite's manufacturer and then made matters worse by trying to hike the price of the controversial substance, citing the falling pound making imports more expensive. This was despite the fact that Marmite is produced in Britain and only the Brits can be persuaded to eat it.

In Yer Face, Putin

A shock discovery proves that Washington was right all along and not, as everyone thought, run by criminally insane douche bags who happened to have gotten their hands on the biggest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in the history of the universe.

As those who were following events in post-coup Ukraine will know, the majority ethnic Russian population of Crimea voted overwhelmingly in a referendum to leave Ukraine and rejoin Russia in an effort to escape the Nazi regime America had so kindly and thoughtfully installed in Kiev for nothing but humanitarian motives (and nothing at all to do with provoking Russia or handing vast swathes of fertile Ukrainian land over to Monsanto and other humanitarian organisations devoted to abolishing the food chain).

Washington helps everybody know what is going on despite IQ drop

The apparent loss of several IQ points by governments across the Western World may, according to the latest scientific discoveries, be due to a simple lack of clarity in the meaning of some of the terms being used by government representatives (the media).

This has resulted in a small minority of troublemakers known as "citizens" not knowing what is going on. Some have even gone so far as to adopt the extremist view that their government has gone insane, and/or is being run by aliens and/or is trying to get us all killed, although to be fair there is little more than evidence to back up these views and it is well known that one can use evidence to prove almost anything true.

Europe Introduces New National Anthem - Nobody Outraged

Shock-waves of indifference resonated across Europe today as news emerged from Brussels that the European Empire – whose name was changed last week from the “European Union” by the ruling Reichsbank in Frankfurt, a move that will be announced to the public in early 2059 – has now made mandatory the adoption by all Subject Peoples (formerly known as Member States) of a new national anthem.

Joris Bohnson Alters History, Tells Fibs for World Peace

Often described as the "Wise Man of Politics" by his wife, the deeply thoughtful Joris Bohnson today gifted the world pearls if political wisdom that, while they might not actually avert Word War Three, may at least bring it forward.

Rise of the Brain Dead Series 2: The Game of Loons

Number two in the series Rise of the Brain Dead presents a departure form the convoluted and somewhat implausible drama of Series One and veers sharply in the direction of equally implausible yet immensely entertaining slapstick comedy.

Scientists Discover Worst Epidemic in the History of the Universe

Just as world has at last finished reeling from the Bird Flu and Swine Flu epidemics that swept a swathe of carnage across the entire planet and almost killed dozens of people the world over, a new even more deadly flu has been scientifically discovered.

Controversy at UN as many Countries Change their Names

by Steve Cook

A row erupted at the UN today when several countries objected to the Brits describing their country as “Great”.

5,000 Gang Members to enter Rehab to cure Addiction

All 5000 members of a crime syndicate known as “The Elite” are to be admitted to rehab in an effort to handle their dependency on a drug known on the streets as “Satan”.

The gang, masterminded by a small tight-knit cadre of geriatric mental patients is thought to be the most successful and wealthy criminal operation in the history of the universe. With headquarters in Washington and chapters in most countries, its nefarious tendrils extend across the world and several neighbouring planets. It is also known by the names “Gang of Loons” or “The Inebriati”.

Brexit Booster for British Space Programme


Major Manufacturer to sponsor innovative Attempt to reach Moon before Richard Branson!

The Britsh space effort, which last year put a Chimpanzee on the Isle of Wight, has today received a massive post-Brexit shot in the arm with the news that a major manufacturer will sponsor the construction of an all-British space station, known as the Missionary I on acount of the fact that its orbit will be geosynchronous and thus occupy just one position.

The Real Cause of Terrorism Exposed!

It’s official: eleven out of ten terrorists are dead jealous

Most of us struggle in vain to comprehend the motives behind the inexplicable dislike of Britain and America shared by people all across the Middle East (and the Far East, Near East, East Anglia and several neighbouring planets).

It smacks, of course, of ingratitude after all we have done for them in bringing them the benefits of peace, democracy and the miracles of genetically modified politicians - not to mention relieving them of the burden of natural resources which they never deserved to have in the first place.

Collateral Punishment for All!

by Steve Cook

The government today announced plans to overhaul the justice system so that it aligns with the justice procedures now standard in Western diplomacy and other theatres of war.

The news comes in the wake of a nationwide survey that revealed alarming shortcomings in the current system.

Responding to the news, ashen-faced Lord Justice Dredd said: “the current system is in dire need of change. It is riddled with loopholes that gravely restrict the freedoms of ordinary multinational corporations to kill people for their own good while at the same time enabling far too many people to get away with things they didn’t do. We simply cannot go on like this.”

The government plans to bring the country’s justice procedures up to speed with the 12th Century by introducing methods that have been found to be so successful in the field of international diplomacy.

Hillary Clinton’s Shocking Health Secrets: the Truth Exposed!


Wild and irresponsible speculation about Hillary Clinton’s health were brought to an abrupt halt earlier today with the publication of a full and damning report that appeared in this week’s issue of the medical journal Hysteria.

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned. This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.

Armed French Police Surround Man with Beard

by Steve Cook

French police today arrested a man after he terrorised a beach in a suspected Muslim outrage.

John Bystander, 23, a British holidaymaker from from Dun Working in Surrey, was sunbathing on the beach at Pas De Fromage, on the French Riviera when he was surrounded by armed police in full combat gear from the elite anti terrorist unit known as the SRRE (Squad Rapid Réaction Exagérée).

Vladimir Putin Wins Emmanuel Goldstein Award!

by Steve Cook

A televised gala dinner at the Savoy Hotel in London saw popular hate-figures receive the coveted Emmanuel Goldstein One-Month-Hate Award.

Similar in prestige to the Oscars and known popularly as the “Adolfs” the monthly award is given to the person who has contributed most to worthy causes such as making sure nobody blames the government for the state of the planet or keeping popular oligarchs such as George Soros or Nathan Rothschild from being chased down the street and lynched by angry citizens.

Dick Cheney is not mentally ill, shock

On the disclosure that the Bush/Cheney presidency was quite keen on the depravity known as "enhanced interrogation", which whilst not yielding any worthwhile intelligence, did provide gainful employment for a large number of otherwise unemployable sadists. Apparently this sort of thing is quite okay if you are morally superior and it is perfectly normal to uphold civilised and civilising values by abandoning them.

by Steve Cook

Psychiatric experts have today revealed that they can find no evidence that Dick Cheney and his cohorts in the so-called “Gang of Loons” elite terrorist organisation are suffering from a mental disorder.

Missing CEO Found!


Missing CEO Found!
Latest on the hunt for fugitive CEO Lucifer Beelzebub
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Annexation of Texas Illegal Say Experts
US Acquisition of Louisiana and Alaska also under Scrutiny
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Crimea Referendum Exclusive
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The Shattering: Rise of the Brain Dead. 

Review of Armageddon Productions’ New Television Series.

Confused? You will be if you tune in to the next 147,449 episodes!  Read More

Nausea and Vomiting Pandemic Sweeps the West
Hypocrisy outbreak fells millions in America, Britain and Europe. Read more
YOUR BRAIN SHOULD BE A LOT SMALLER SAY PSYCHIATRISTS
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ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
Coming Soon to a Theatre of War near You!

False Flag Operation: Part VII, the Iranian Frame-up

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EPIDEMIC OF MENTALLY ILL TOYS SHOCK!

Some time ago a British Newspaper reported that a German toy manufacturer was planning to make and sell soft toys that suffer from so-called mental disorders. To add authenticity, each toy will come with its own medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan. (we kid you not) . . . Read more
I THINK I'VE GOT THAT NEW DISEASE I'VE SEEN ADVERTISED

Even More Depressing Pandemic Alert
I feel duty bound to give you all the heads-up that, in the best traditions of safeguarding the freedom of vested interests to redistribute the wealth of the nation in the direction of their bank accounts, the government is about to issue a new  . . .  Read More
DISNEY: THE FAIRYTALE CONTINUES
With huge crowds expected to flock to Disney World this year, the proprietors have unveiled state-of-the-art crowd control initiatives.
Children’s favourite, Mickey Mouse, will be seen sporting the latest frolicsome storm trooper costume whilst Cinderella’s Castle will benefit from the addition of real dungeons . . .
A SEASONAL MESSAGE FROM YOUR EMPEROR

Greetings Minions! At this time of year, the winter solstice, it is incumbent upon all of us to reflect upon the message of great spiritual leaders such as Jesus Christ and other pinko liberal troublemakers and, for some us, to congratulate ourselves on how far we have come since those bad old days when the idea that we should all be nice to one another was first insinuated into the affairs of men . . Read More
THE THARG REPORT: INCISIVE ANALYSIS FROM OUR ORBITING CORRESPONDENT


GLOBAL SHORTAGE THREATENS ECONOMY

The government was left reeling with shock today, its plans for economic recovery in tatters, with the discovery of a global shortage of ruthless dictators. Read more ....
DIGITAL CARNAGE UNDER THREAT SAY EXPERTS

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray. This follows an earlier report in www.telegraph.co.uk/news on 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.” . . . See More
THE NATION OF FEKOV - A FORGOTTEN COUNTRY?
Ashen-faced, anthropologists, journalists and private peace contractors for the Central Intelligence Agency are today converging on a remote and forgotten country for a closer look at a so far unexplained phenomenon that has shaken the very foundations of everything we were told we knew about the world in which some of us are able to live. Read more . . .
KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.
A wonderfully British sentiment, “keep calm and carry on” was a WWII rallying cry to all Britons. It was originally produced by the government's then Ministry of Information and formulated onto posters. It was then plastered by the famous Bill Stickers all over London in an effort to raise national morale, stiffen the upper lip and so forth at a time when the war wasn’t going so well and we were 2-0 down to Hitler at half time. . . .read more