Putin, Assad and Miracle Weapons Shock!




In an earlier article we released tapes that proved beyond common sense that Bashar Assad used chemical weapons on his own people for no apparent reason except a determination to encourage the West to bomb his country - or probably might have done if the tape was genuine, which it probably might have been.

Assad and Chemical Weapons - the Truth! (And We're not Even Lying This Time)

The intelligence agencies have just unearthed this secret recording of a conversation between Bashar Assad and some of his military advisers. 

A spokesman for the British government’s Ministry of Truth, Jonathan Fibbs, said: “This recording has been authenticated by government experts who cannot be named for security reasons as one hundred percent genuine. It was sent to us by a source who cannot be named for . . . er, security reasons but which, hand on heart, we can assure you is one hundred percent genuine and not at all fake and we are not even lying this time. The voice on the tape has been authenticated as being that of Bashar Assad, even though it does not sound like him and has a Kurdish accent but this is because Assad had a cold at the time the recording was secretly . . . er, recorded.”

The government had been taken to task recently for accusing Assad of using chemical weapons on his own people without providing any evidence, apart from an article in the Sun (“ Up Yours, you Syrian Git” by Dick Yobb, Thursday edition) or pointing to a motive that made any sense.

Syria was then bombed before the alleged attack could be confirmed, although an article in the Daily Scare on Tuesday and a BBC documentary provided all the confirmation that was needed to justify turning a couple of Syrian villages into a car park (“We suspect Assad probably did it” and “It’s in the Newspapers so it Must be True”).

Anonymous yet completely trustworthy experts confirm that there is nothing wrong with shooting first and gathering evidence later as this is normal practice in international relations and an accusation by one or more parties with a vested interest in the outcome is usually all that is needed, especially if accompanied by hypocritical moralising and a healthy dose of hysteria.

This miraculous appearance of a hitherto unknown recording, however, proves beyond reasonable thought that Bashar Assad did in fact use chemical warfare agents on Douma on April 7th.

This has saved Western governments spending a fortune backing up their claims by orchestrating weapons inspections, fabricating evidence, arranging for Assad’s passport to be “found” at the scene and so forth.

As a result, several targets, dubbed “suspected” chemical weapons facilities were bombed without establishing first that they were in fact actually chemical weapons facilities and not pea canning factories, industrial estates, bus depots and other lairs of a hideously oppressive regime not approved of by Western powers. The government pointed out at the time that any installation sinister enough to be suspected of something is just asking for trouble.

Anyway, here is the brief recording, in which Bashar Assad can be clearly heard speaking with a Kurdish accent an octave lower than his normal voice. The other participants are unknown and are dubbed “General A” and “General B” for convenience. At one point chimes can be briefly heard in the background, a sound easily mistaken for Big Ben striking three. We are assured that this is not in fact Big Ben but a mosque in Damascus that sounds a lot like it.

Assad: Right, I’ve decided to use chemical weapons on Douma. I want you to arrange a strike.

General A: Do we have any chemical weapons any more? I thought we scrapped them under the auspices of the UN a few years back.

Assad: I had some kept back just in case we needed them. It’s part of a stash I bought from the British a while ago. It is important that the UN never finds out we kept them.

General B: But if we use them, then the UN will know we lied to them.

Assad: I am confident that no one will notice and we we will never be found out. In fact I am so confident I don’t think we even need to take any precautions to hide what we are doing. Just go ahead, drop some barrel bombs , unleash some chemicals, make lots of people sick. Nobody will notice and we will get away with it.

General A: I hope you are right because if anyone does notice, we will have handed to USA and Britain the excuse they have been looking for to attack us. They are really cheesed off that we have beaten ISIS, Al Nusra and their other friends - they invested a lot of money in them only for them to fail miserably. Mercenary armies disguised as rebels do not come cheap. So, using chemical weapons right now would hand them an excuse to help out ISIS and their other allies with air strikes. They will be able to claim they are only attacking our chemical weapons facilities.

Assad: That is a risk we are just going to have to take. I spent a lot of money buying that chemical stuff from the Brits so I really want to use it.

General B: Even when we don’t need to?

Assad: How so?

General B: We have Douma surrounded and the civil war all but won, ISIS and the other CIA-backed fundamentalist groups given a right spanking. So why bother using chemical weapons when we’ve won the game using conventional methods of dismembering children the Americans so kindly sold us a while back? Doesn’t make sense!

General A: He’s right. We could set our cause back years, perhaps even snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You know how much the Americans are just itching for an excuse. “Attacking innocent people with chemical weapons” is still a great propaganda line, even when it isn’t actually true.

Assad: Be all that as it may, I have decided to use chemical weapons. I really have my heart set on it . . .

General A: “You are popular with your people all across Syria Mr President. You win elections by a landslide. Now you risk throwing all that away by attacking them with chemicals. . .

General B: And dropping a few barrel bombs and making a few dozen people sick won’t help much in winning the war - especially as we’ve already won it using traditional means such as burning people’s heads off with things like the phosphorous bombs the Israelis used on the Palestinians . . .

Assad: And nobody criticised the Israelis, did they?

General A: That’s because the Israelis are America’s friends.

Assad: “Well what about what the Saudis are doing to the people in Yemen?

General B: Again, the Saudis are pals with the US and Britain so nobody is going to criticise them, and certainly not bomb them to make them stop. But they will sure as hell bomb us if we hand them an excuse on a platter. I think right now we could do without being bombed by America.

Assad: I keep saying, these are risks I am willing to take even though it gives me no added strategic advantage.

General B: But why Mr President?

Assad: You forget that I am a ruthless dictator . . . well, ruthless elected leader of a secular government at any rate. It’s just the sort of thing I do . . .

Recording ends.

New Justice System that fast-tracks Guilty Verdict makes everything lovely

by Steve Cook

The government today announced forthcoming sweeping changes to the British Justice System.

The changes are designed to eliminate slows and occasioned by the current need for unnecessary inconveniences such as so-called “proof” or “evidence” and will enable HMG to fast-track a guilty verdict without anyone having to think too much, which as you know can be quite tiring.

Oh What a Lovely New War!

by Steve Cook

Following the so-called War on Terror that ended in a draw after extra time and the so-called War on Drugs that resulted in an embarrassing defeat, the government today launched a new War that it is confident will prove even more popular than the first two.

In this new War, it will draw heavily on its experience in the first two practice wars, to guarantee complete victory this time.

This is the so-called War on Peace, which it has already begun heavily promoting in the media.

Newsflash!

Scientists have just proved conclusively that the Sun goes around the Earth but avoids England

Government to Introduce PTSD to Tackle Parenting Crisis



by Steve Cook

The government has today announced plans for the establishment of a new ministry.

The PTSD (Parental Training and Standards Department) will be tasked with tackling the national parenting crisis that has brought the country to its knees.

Wikidleaks: a Whistle-Blower's Tale

or How to Annoy your Government

A five-minute story by Steve Cook

Once upon a time the world was ruled by wise men who knew what was best for everyone, although in those far-off days “wise” meant “owning big shiny rockets” and what was best for everyone was generally considered to be what was good for really rich people. One is not after all entitled to Good Things unless one is in a position to pay for them and Good Things just happened to be so expensive that only really rich people could afford them. Those who were less than really rich had to settle for more modest and pragmatic aspirations such as being regularly shafted and donating their children to the latest war effort, which is only fair when you think about it.

Correction


Once Upon a Time . . .

A One Minute Story by Steve Cook

A One Minute Story by Steve Cook

Once upon a time in a land far removed from common sense, in a cave deep under the Mountains of Avarice, there lurked a government.

Daily Scare Exclusive: Author announces he no longer identifies as a man, Shock

Author and regular contributor to The Daily Scare, Steve Cook recently described as "extremely sinister" by Donald Trump,  today announced that he no longer identifies as a man. Here is his statement in  full.

Hypochondrapocalypse: Rise of the Almost Dead

This Week’s Film Review by Steve Cook

Armageddon Entertainment presents a harrowing portrait of an apocalyptic future in which the human race succumbs to a mysterious epidemic of uncertain provenance that threatens to cause humanity to worry itself into early extinction.

Not at all shifty guy announces the Greatest Business Idea in History!

by Steve Cook

You and everyone you know can be billionaires by this time next week with this new Business Opportunity that cannot possibly fail! You too can get rich without any effort and become a pet food billionaire overnight and we're not even lying.

Heartbroken Leatherhead Man Betrayed by Unfaithful Sex Doll

by Steve Cook

The world has been left reeling in shock today with the announcement that distraught Arthur Mental (49) of Leatherhead in Surrey is to sue the PerviDo Corporation (PDC) for a sum experts have described as “undisclosed yet probably ridiculous”.

Mental Health Shock!

Millions of Journalists and Politicians Diagnosed with CLD as Mental Health Epidemic Spreads.


CLD (Compulsive Lying Disorder) is also known in psychiatric circles as pseudologia fantastica, or TBS (Tony Blair Syndrome).

It is a condition that describes the behaviour of someone who is pathologically incapable of not lying even when there is no need to. The sufferer believes that if he stops lying even for a second, something horrible will happen, such as peace breaking out, the country being taken over by sensible people or millions of citizens and other subversive minorities developing trains of independent thought.

Millions of Voters in Plot to Rig Election, Shock!

An investigation has today been launched in an effort to get to the bottom of the latest election-rigging scandal

A spokesperson for the government’s Ministry of Hysteria announced that the government is gravely concerned by the possibility that a “large number” of “voters” rigged the election by voting Labour despite being told not to by Theresa May and Barak Obama.

Your Emperor's Christmas Message

The Text in Full

Ave Britons!

It is I, your Emperor, Caesar Nefarius Vexus, addressing my loyal minions of the province of Britannia from my luxury fallout shelter, whose location must be withheld for security reasons.

As you know, I recently chose for you a new Governor to replace the slightly mad Cameronius Conservitus after he so manifestly failed to suppress the revolt of the tribe of the Brexix under their leader Faragus, which nearly led to the calamity of secession from the Europa branch of the Empire of the entire province of Britannia.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to the Cinema . . .

The World has been afflicted by a new biological anomaly as the superhero pandemic spreads

Thus far the pandemic has spawned a variety of mutations and we have become accustomed here in Sodom City to seeing heterosexual animal-related superheroes like Wolverine, Spiderman, Batman, Ant Man, Catwoman and Robin climbing up the sides of buildings, breaking the speed limit, damaging real estate and beating people up in imaginitive ways.

President-elect to endorse the Turnip

One of the most closely guarded secrets of the American presidential elections is that Donald Trump is secretly planning to endorse the turnip as soon as he takes over as Leader of the Free World (Mars).

This follows recent startling scientific discoveries that the turnip, long regarded by food lovers everywhere as the world's most boring vegetable, is in fact the most nutritious, which when you think about it is not exactly the kind of news an increasing health-and-diet-conscious nation wants to hear.

Alcohol: the Myth Debunked

Daily Scare science correspondent, exclusive report

Experts have been alleging for many years that alcohol has many uses, apart from the obvious one, and among these is that it helps you get stains out of clothes.

Truth or myth? I decided to put this to the test in a carefully controlled experiment.

NewTory Manifesto to Include Plans for Armageddon It Completely Forgot to Mention in the Last One

Following last week's discovery that political parties have been accidentally forgetting to mention in their manifestos certain key points in their plans for the country, the Tory party has issued a revised manifesto.

It will present the new manifesto to the people at the soon-to-be-held general election that will result from the discovery that the recent EU Referendum was actually a PR exercise and not, as many people thought, an exercise in democracy.

A slight administrative error had caused a succession of governments to omit from their manifestos certain points that, it surprisingly turned out, the country's voters would quite like to know about.

Vladimir Putin to Flood West with Marmite Substitute!

Tesco's recent refusal to stock Marmite has ignited a firestorm of fury that threatens to tear civilisation apart.

It started when Swiss company Unilever owned up to being Marmite's manufacturer and then made matters worse by trying to hike the price of the controversial substance, citing the falling pound making imports more expensive. This was despite the fact that Marmite is produced in Britain and only the Brits can be persuaded to eat it.

In Yer Face, Putin

A shock discovery proves that Washington was right all along and not, as everyone thought, run by criminally insane douche bags who happened to have gotten their hands on the biggest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in the history of the universe.

As those who were following events in post-coup Ukraine will know, the majority ethnic Russian population of Crimea voted overwhelmingly in a referendum to leave Ukraine and rejoin Russia in an effort to escape the Nazi regime America had so kindly and thoughtfully installed in Kiev for nothing but humanitarian motives (and nothing at all to do with provoking Russia or handing vast swathes of fertile Ukrainian land over to Monsanto and other humanitarian organisations devoted to abolishing the food chain).

Washington helps everybody know what is going on despite IQ drop

The apparent loss of several IQ points by governments across the Western World may, according to the latest scientific discoveries, be due to a simple lack of clarity in the meaning of some of the terms being used by government representatives (the media).

This has resulted in a small minority of troublemakers known as "citizens" not knowing what is going on. Some have even gone so far as to adopt the extremist view that their government has gone insane, and/or is being run by aliens and/or is trying to get us all killed, although to be fair there is little more than evidence to back up these views and it is well known that one can use evidence to prove almost anything true.

Europe Introduces New National Anthem - Nobody Outraged

Shock-waves of indifference resonated across Europe today as news emerged from Brussels that the European Empire – whose name was changed last week from the “European Union” by the ruling Reichsbank in Frankfurt, a move that will be announced to the public in early 2059 – has now made mandatory the adoption by all Subject Peoples (formerly known as Member States) of a new national anthem.

Joris Bohnson Alters History, Tells Fibs for World Peace

Often described as the "Wise Man of Politics" by his wife, the deeply thoughtful Joris Bohnson today gifted the world pearls if political wisdom that, while they might not actually avert Word War Three, may at least bring it forward.

Rise of the Brain Dead Series 2: The Game of Loons

Number two in the series Rise of the Brain Dead presents a departure form the convoluted and somewhat implausible drama of Series One and veers sharply in the direction of equally implausible yet immensely entertaining slapstick comedy.

Scientists Discover Worst Epidemic in the History of the Universe

Just as world has at last finished reeling from the Bird Flu and Swine Flu epidemics that swept a swathe of carnage across the entire planet and almost killed dozens of people the world over, a new even more deadly flu has been scientifically discovered.

Controversy at UN as many Countries Change their Names

by Steve Cook

A row erupted at the UN today when several countries objected to the Brits describing their country as “Great”.

5,000 Gang Members to enter Rehab to cure Addiction

All 5000 members of a crime syndicate known as “The Elite” are to be admitted to rehab in an effort to handle their dependency on a drug known on the streets as “Satan”.

The gang, masterminded by a small tight-knit cadre of geriatric mental patients is thought to be the most successful and wealthy criminal operation in the history of the universe. With headquarters in Washington and chapters in most countries, its nefarious tendrils extend across the world and several neighbouring planets. It is also known by the names “Gang of Loons” or “The Inebriati”.

Brexit Booster for British Space Programme


Major Manufacturer to sponsor innovative Attempt to reach Moon before Richard Branson!

The Britsh space effort, which last year put a Chimpanzee on the Isle of Wight, has today received a massive post-Brexit shot in the arm with the news that a major manufacturer will sponsor the construction of an all-British space station, known as the Missionary I on acount of the fact that its orbit will be geosynchronous and thus occupy just one position.

The Real Cause of Terrorism Exposed!

It’s official: eleven out of ten terrorists are dead jealous

Most of us struggle in vain to comprehend the motives behind the inexplicable dislike of Britain and America shared by people all across the Middle East (and the Far East, Near East, East Anglia and several neighbouring planets).

It smacks, of course, of ingratitude after all we have done for them in bringing them the benefits of peace, democracy and the miracles of genetically modified politicians - not to mention relieving them of the burden of natural resources which they never deserved to have in the first place.

Collateral Punishment for All!

by Steve Cook

The government today announced plans to overhaul the justice system so that it aligns with the justice procedures now standard in Western diplomacy and other theatres of war.

The news comes in the wake of a nationwide survey that revealed alarming shortcomings in the current system.

Responding to the news, ashen-faced Lord Justice Dredd said: “the current system is in dire need of change. It is riddled with loopholes that gravely restrict the freedoms of ordinary multinational corporations to kill people for their own good while at the same time enabling far too many people to get away with things they didn’t do. We simply cannot go on like this.”

The government plans to bring the country’s justice procedures up to speed with the 12th Century by introducing methods that have been found to be so successful in the field of international diplomacy.

Hillary Clinton’s Shocking Health Secrets: the Truth Exposed!


Wild and irresponsible speculation about Hillary Clinton’s health were brought to an abrupt halt earlier today with the publication of a full and damning report that appeared in this week’s issue of the medical journal Hysteria.

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned. This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.

Armed French Police Surround Man with Beard

by Steve Cook

French police today arrested a man after he terrorised a beach in a suspected Muslim outrage.

John Bystander, 23, a British holidaymaker from from Dun Working in Surrey, was sunbathing on the beach at Pas De Fromage, on the French Riviera when he was surrounded by armed police in full combat gear from the elite anti terrorist unit known as the SRRE (Squad Rapid Réaction Exagérée).

Vladimir Putin Wins Emmanuel Goldstein Award!

by Steve Cook

A televised gala dinner at the Savoy Hotel in London saw popular hate-figures receive the coveted Emmanuel Goldstein One-Month-Hate Award.

Similar in prestige to the Oscars and known popularly as the “Adolfs” the monthly award is given to the person who has contributed most to worthy causes such as making sure nobody blames the government for the state of the planet or keeping popular oligarchs such as George Soros or Nathan Rothschild from being chased down the street and lynched by angry citizens.

Dick Cheney is not mentally ill, shock

On the disclosure that the Bush/Cheney presidency was quite keen on the depravity known as "enhanced interrogation", which whilst not yielding any worthwhile intelligence, did provide gainful employment for a large number of otherwise unemployable sadists. Apparently this sort of thing is quite okay if you are morally superior and it is perfectly normal to uphold civilised and civilising values by abandoning them.

by Steve Cook

Psychiatric experts have today revealed that they can find no evidence that Dick Cheney and his cohorts in the so-called “Gang of Loons” elite terrorist organisation are suffering from a mental disorder.

Missing CEO Found!


Missing CEO Found!
Latest on the hunt for fugitive CEO Lucifer Beelzebub
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Annexation of Texas Illegal Say Experts
US Acquisition of Louisiana and Alaska also under Scrutiny
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Crimea Referendum Exclusive
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The Shattering: Rise of the Brain Dead. 

Review of Armageddon Productions’ New Television Series.

Confused? You will be if you tune in to the next 147,449 episodes!  Read More

Nausea and Vomiting Pandemic Sweeps the West
Hypocrisy outbreak fells millions in America, Britain and Europe. Read more
YOUR BRAIN SHOULD BE A LOT SMALLER SAY PSYCHIATRISTS
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ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
Coming Soon to a Theatre of War near You!

False Flag Operation: Part VII, the Iranian Frame-up

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EPIDEMIC OF MENTALLY ILL TOYS SHOCK!

Some time ago a British Newspaper reported that a German toy manufacturer was planning to make and sell soft toys that suffer from so-called mental disorders. To add authenticity, each toy will come with its own medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan. (we kid you not) . . . Read more
I THINK I'VE GOT THAT NEW DISEASE I'VE SEEN ADVERTISED

Even More Depressing Pandemic Alert
I feel duty bound to give you all the heads-up that, in the best traditions of safeguarding the freedom of vested interests to redistribute the wealth of the nation in the direction of their bank accounts, the government is about to issue a new  . . .  Read More